"Opting Out"

NEVER, EVER. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. NEVER.
People who try to compare their problems to mine, when they're not even in the same ball field. I'll never forgive someone who is dying, has a cure, and simply won't take it because they're to stupid. Or simply let their denial rule them. For those people, I can't help. Only throw away from me. How dare you make a joke of my life? How Fucking dare you!? Take your cure and get the hell away from me. How dare you come near us with no such option and spit in our faces with it!? Who the HELL do you think you could even be to come near us with such a thing!?? How hurtful could someone try to be!??
People like this MSers, are jokes. And hopefully short ones. ((If you catch my meaning.))

The Return to Hell

                                                         


It didn't hit me. Not at first. The world swirled and crumbled around instantly transforming into a sinkhole. People, places, memories, possessions, sounds, smells, family being sucked into unknown darkness so fast... In 10 short days I lost my entire world. My family, my friends, my home, my students, my career, my country, my everything... It came at me like a semi from a blind side while we were crossing the Pacific Ocean. "It's gone. It's over. Your happiness is over. Your world is gone. Your beloved ones have died. It's all gone Marlana.. All of it..."

I stared at the monitor in back of the seat in front of me and I just couldn't breath. Yet at the same time, my body didn't want the air. The sky was turning dark outside our window from traveling backwards in time zones. My afternoon turned into night so quickly. I'm sure there is a much stronger word than 'wepted' or 'sobbed'. Maybe completely inconsolable the phrase. I couldn't stop crying for over 90minutes. Going through stock piles of napkins and a few hoody sleeves. I don't know if people have the empathy these days to understand such a tremendous loss. I can only hope they can try to. The heaven that had taken me and mine in, loved us, taught us, sheltered, adored, feed, healed, gave hope, love, and purpose, where only misery, grief, betrayal, pain, longing, torture, deceit, and fear stood. Destroying over decades of damage and mistakes.
It's a strange thing when you find your place and time in the universe. Suddenly everything starts sewing together with ease. It's a crazy thing to wake and be happy nearly everyday of your life. Knowing your value in peoples lives, and others telling you. Always needed. Always wanted. Always, always, always loved. Hugged and praised and told wonderful things. Trying so hard for everyone, and in turn, everyone doing so for you. Even if given a year, I can never explain that place in full justice.

I knew the second we arrived in America. It was day time again by now. We landed in Texas, and instantly I saw the change. Disgusting, rude, useless people were everywhere. Nobody wanting to help we got lost and had to catch the connecting flight twice after the first, because they couldn't figure their own system or jobs out. We were harassed kept back and missed our flight due to their stupidity. It was entirely a 180  from the the people and service of Japan. Dirty areas, bossy people, this is what staying on a base full of unruly Americans had trained me for. To never ever forget what our original hellish home world was and still is. Screaming children, verbally abusive or indifferent parents, things I would never miss.

My mission has begun. Return to the deeps of my original home country hell for my B.A, receive high paying job, save 65% of it, return to true home, reunite with beloved ones, buy dream land and dream home, work real career job, have children, Live happy life as long as possible, die leaving behind no debt. Be buried in the mountains. Have family come see me throughout the year. Be at peace.
We all have dreams. I just make sure to keep my MS in the picture. If you look and know it's coming, it's not so bad, if bad at all.
I find it to be a relief of it's own. I see my goals. I see the wonders to come, the pain that will pass, and the legacy I can leave. I have focus. A goal to achieve at all costs. As MSers, I think this should be a standard. So many people shut down once they start to think about the end. DON'T. It's a mistake. Stare forth and know what ending you want, for the sake of yourself and your beloveds.
Make a difference in any positive way you can. You are always more resilient then anyone will give you credit for. Exceed and surpass their expectations along with yours.
We're more than we think we are. Our worth is higher than we think it is.
Japan, out of the many things it taught me, it also taugh me that, and I will never forget it.









Inspiration for this post:
Birdy - Skinny Love
Birdy  - The A Team
Dog is Dead - Teenage Daughter